ANGELA SINCLAIR
September 19, 1984 - February 5, 2013
Angela Sinclair, 28, of Toronto, died at 9:00 a.m., February 5, 2013.
Survived by her father and mother, Kenneth and Josephine, her brothers, Angelo (and wife) and Anthony. Along with many loving relatives and friends.
Angela always marched to the beat of her own drum, whether it was through Pichojune, or by refusing to be a square peg being pushed into a round hole.
She was gifted with the ability to play multiple instruments, but that paled in comparison to her resonating voice. Everything she stood for was brought together in the open and inclusive space of her Open Door Choir.
This is a song of Angela that she wrote and performed. My fav song of hers.
It's been a hot minute since I last posted. I had to make some changes on this blog. LIFE changed so drastically. But I will definitely post more...I would like to start my new postings with dedication to my good friend Angela Sinclair. She passed away in February 5, 2013. Succumb to loneliness and the society failing her. Our mistake is not paying attention to the ones we love. Assuming they are ok. I didn't know she wasn't the strong woman she portray herself to be. I failed at being a friend. I failed her.
I decided to creep my friend Angela Sinclair on FB. I thought to myself it's been awhile since I got a reply from her. I remember making plans to meet up with her but my eye problem got the best of me. I cancelled our date. That was February 2. Within that same week we had a winter storm. I remember we got stucked in the snow as my fiance tried to drive me and my friend Sheela to work. Life was busy as that was also Valentines week. Days, weeks passed by...March 7 at 11:36pm while I checked my facebook, and I thought to myself she haven't replied to any of my text. But that's Angela. She sometimes gets lost in her musical world. So I just thought she will reply when she is not busy. I know she has been going through a lot and she lost her job. She was off for stress related issue. I didn't know that it was that serious as she never told me anything or did I thought she would be seriously depressed. To me she is a strong woman. I clicked on her page and what did I see..."RIP Angel". Emotions started raging from my veins. I felt my heart stop and my mind started getting bombarded with anger as I thought what a sick joke.
As I scrolled down, scrolled up, clicked on other notes, called her cell and left her a message to call me ASAP. Message her then girlfriend Heart to call me ASAP. Everything was ASAP as I wanted to tell myself that this is not real. Then it HIT me like an upper cut knock out. My close friend Angela Sinclair is dead. DEAD. She is not coming back. That was 2 days before she decided to end her life she was supposed to meet me. Right away I blamed myself. Right away I thought maybe she was seeking for help. And meeting me was her way to reach out. I felt sick to my stomach. Then I got angry. I thought how could she do this!!!! She is better than that. I wished I was dreaming. I was just talking to her about making plans on expanding the excel program she created. Reaching out to moms and pops stores. She even offered to be my wedding planner. In times when she is at her darkest, she still put me first. I cried. I cried until I can't cry no more.
I felt GUILTY, ASHAMED, I BLAMED MYSELF. My fiance held me tight. I kept texting her. To just hear her voicemail, to hear her voice. I lost my friend to loneliness. One of my biggest fears. She was there for me through the years, when I needed money to pay my rent she willing gave it to me. Even when I wanted to pay her she insisted that I don't. She said she has money to spare. She was one of the rare womenH that I can get along with. I met her at work and we clicked right away. We are two different people but somehow the chemistry was perfect. I was a crazy wild person and Angela is smart and musically and computer wiz. She blew my mind with her inteligence. I didn't know just how much she meant to me until that moment. That is the worst way to ever find out...and to top it off. I found out a month later and I missed her funeral. I didn't get to say goodbye to my friend. I didn't get to pay respect to her.
I attended a concert in her memory in May. There were a lot of people there. Truly talented and ecclectic collections of men and women, straight, gay, young and old. It didn't matter. As I walk with my friend Sheela in the community centre. On the stage are flowers and pictures of Angela. Smiling and with her deep brown eyes that can see through my soul. Tears fell from my eyes and travelled my cheeks. I hurt. I miss her. I wanted her back. As the first drum played on...my heart broke. It's the kind of heart break that will never ever heal. The tears will always be there when her name is spoken. As her friends sang her songs, my tears failed to stop. My friend Sheela held my hands tight. I thank her for that. I was thinking is Sheela the replacement for Angela? Is she what I asked Angela to bring my way? Someone who embody her aura? But who could ever replace Angela? No one. But it felt good to have a friend like Sheela there. Even though Sheela didn't know Angela she paid respect and was there. I will always be indebted for that. There were so many performances and I can visualize Angela sitting on the stage and smiling as she watches everyone singing her songs for her. I hope she liked it all.
The service was beautiful as the whole crowd sang to the song....
"And I say hey...
And I say hey what's goin' on And I say hey...
I said hey what's goin' on And I say hey...
And I say hey what's goin' on And I say hey...
I said hey what's goin' on" It was truly moving."
(See full lyrics below)
The last part of the concert was everyone joining the drums and the band and the singers. Circling close to the stage and some holding her pictures. I wonder if she knew that so many loved her this much. So many respects her. So many thought of her more than she ever thought possible. I miss my friend. She saved me at my lowest time. She was there when even my own family was distant from me.
The end of the concert and it's time to head home. For some reason I felt a sense of peace but still hurt. I felt empty. I sae her parents but I didn't know them close enough to make a full conversation. I just gave them a hug. Then her Dad said to me "She used to talk about you" My heart stopped...oh my gosh...I was someone special to her. I miss her. I held back tears.
When I hear the song by Rihanna "stay" I can't help but cry sometimes when she sings "I want you to stay...ooohhh" because that moment all I could I think of is my friend Angela and how I wish she decided to stay...to give life a chance. But it's too late. It's too late as she will never hear my words. See me cry. Feel me hug her. OR know just how much I love her. She is gone. Maybe next lifetime...I do hope I get the chance to be her friend again. I can only hope. She was the bestfriend everyone should have.
4 Non Blondes - Whats Going On
25 years and my life is still
trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
I realized quickly when I knew I should
That the world was made up of this
Brotherhood of man
For whatever that means
And so I cry somethimes when I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out what's in my head
And I'm, I am feeling a little peculiar
So I wake in the morning and I step outside
And I take deep breath and I get real high
And I scream from the top of my lungs
What's goin' on
And I say hey....
And I say hey what's goin' on
And I say hey....
I said hey what's goin' on
Oooh....
Oooh....
And I try, oh my God do I try
I try all the time
In this institution
And I pray, oh my God do I pray
I pray every single day
For a revolution
And so I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out what's in my head
And I'm, I am feeling a little peculiar
So I wake in the morning and I step outside
And I take deep breath and I get real high
And I scream from the top of my lungs
What's goin'on
And I say hey...
And I say hey what's goin' on
And I say hey...
I said hey what's goin' on
And I say hey...
And I say hey what's goin' on
And I say hey...
I said hey what's goin' on
Oooh....
25 years and my life is still
trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
Until next time…
Signing out…
Sabrosita
(Photos used in this blog are from other blogs and online reviews...I do not own them)
